Umberto Eco once said that "lists are the origin of culture." He also said that "we like lists because we don't want to die." And so, in the interest of creating culture and escaping thoughts about death, I present to you The 44 Hottest Presidents of the United States.
44. James Madison
James Madison looks like an evil spirit who is going to suck out your soul through your eyeballs while you're sleeping.
43. Andrew Jackson
The 20 dollar bill is a lie. This is a daguerreotype of Andrew Jackson. I know, his hair is fabulous. But his ears are plastic caverns, he has an awful under, and his eyes are filled with the knowledge that he killed like 4,000 people on the trail of tears.
42. Zachary Taylor
Zachary Taylor's hair is all sweaty and gross. He looks like someone's asshole relative who always makes everyone uncomfortable at Thanksgiving.
41. John Tyler
John Tyler looks like he has been haunted by James Madison. He seems like he'd be a huge bummer to talk to.
40. Martin Van Buren
Martin Van Buren seems like he would be awesome to talk to. He also gets points for having the most ridiculous hair in the history of the presidency. But let's be honest. He's not a hot dude.
39. Chester Allan Arthur
Never has anyone looked more like his name is Chester.
38. Grover Cleveland
Imagine trying to eat with that mustache. It looks like there is a dead bird inside of his nose.
37. Grover Cleveland
What?? Grover Cleveland again? This must be a mistake. Nope! Grover Cleveland was president two different times. So he gets two different pictures that both make you feel like there is hair in your mouth.
36. John Quincy Adams
The cheek hair craze was the most baffling hair trend in the history of the United States.
35. William Henry Harrison
Despite his timeless hairstyle, William Henry Harrison looks like he's probably the ugliest centaur.
34. Dwight Eisenhower
Dwight Eisenhower is the most bingo-enthusiast-looking president.
33. Lyndon B Johnson
I think that LBJ might have been wearing those ear lobe lengtheners at night time.
32. William Howard Taft
In one of the list's biggest upsets, it turns out that Taft is hotter than 1/4 of all United States presidents! He looks okay, right?
31. John Adams
John Adams might just be lucky that he lived in a time before photography. I like this picture of him, though. He looks like he's about to say something funny.
30. Millard Fillmore
Millard Fillmore looks like a round Alec Baldwin.
29. James Buchanan
James Buchanan gets points for reminding me of Stephen Fry and seeming like he has some really good stories.
28. George Washington
When you see a face enough times you become desensitized to its ugliness. This is a godsend to 50th anniversaries everywhere, and also to George Washington.
27. Theodore Roosevelt
His tie is pretty rad. And I like his vest.
26. George H W Bush
When I graduated from college, HW was receiving an honorary degree. When they handed it to him, a bunch of students stood up and held signs that said he was evil. I don't think he's evil. He's got a nice smile.
25. Jimmy Carter
Our nation's best ex-president ever ranks in at #25. Mostly because he has a kind face.
24. Thomas Jefferson
Thomas Jefferson looks so much better without the white wig. Did you know that the U.S. once had a president who looked kinda like Carrot Top? Well now you do.
23. Richard Nixon
Ricard Nixon has hypnosis eyes.
22. Andrew Johnson
Andrew Johnson's classical features balance out his onion hair and put him at this list's halfway point!
21. Benjamin Harrison
I'm gonna be honest and admit that I didn't know that there was a president named Benjamin Harrison until today. He looks like he would make a great dinosaur theme park, right?
20. Woodrow Wilson
Woodrow Wilson looks like an evil scientist. An okay looking evil scientist.
19. Gerald Ford
I like Gerald Ford's smile. I bet he was a good looking guy when he was 26.
18. George W Bush
Polls all agree that George W Bush is the president who most looks like a good guy to get a hot-dog with.
17. Herbert Hoover
I feel like I'm running out of ways of describing 60-year-old white dudes.
16. William McKinley
William McKinley was in the middle of reading the dictionary when the photographer found him. He had to sit still for 90 seconds for the photo and he didn't want to lose his place.
15. Harry Truman
Harry Truman found the glasses shape that looked best for him. Plus, he's got a good jawline.
14. James Monroe
This is another old white guy who was totally helped out by a good painter, but you gotta love the knowing eyes and the beauty mole.
13. Abraham Lincoln
Abraham Lincoln was our weirdest looking president. Somehow, he made it work.
12. James Garfield
The next two in this list were both buoyed to the top 12 by their excellent beards.
11. Rutherford Hayes
This is the best beard in the history of the presidency. Beards are mostly judged by how well they hide the mouth.
10. Warren G Harding
Beginning the countdown of the top 10 hottest presidents of the United States is Warren G Harding, who looks like a really good character actor.
9. Bill Clinton
You know those memories that you wonder why your brain would decide to keep around? Here's one of mine: in 1996, Bill Clinton won the esteemed Nickelodeon Kid's Choice for President. It was mostly because of his winning smile.
8. Ronald Reagan
Ronald Reagan was an actual movie star. You have to remember that when he became president he was 112 years old.
7. Franklin D Roosevelt
Today I learned that FDR was a good looking dude.
6. James K Polk
Not many people can pull off the balding mullet, but somehow James K Polk does.
5. John Calvin Coolidge
51 year old Calvin Coolidge looked like a 22 year old Mormon missionary.
4. Ulysses S Grant
This is exactly what Russel Crowe will look like in 10 years.
3. Barack Obama
Did you see him shoot those hoops? Hot.
2. Franklin Pierce
I love the way Franklin Pierce looked. This guy who you know basically nothing about was the second hottest president of the United States. Just look at that hair! Next time I go to the barber I'm taking this picture with me.
1. John F Kennedy
JFK looked like a movie star. Like, I was reading a men's fashion thing for some reason and there were pictures of John Hamm and Ryan Gosling and JFK. Without a doubt, JFK was the #1 hottest president in the history of the United States.